One thing I am actively working on in 2020 is feeling my feelings. As in actually taking the time to assess what emotions I am experiencing as opposed to distracting myself, silencing them with food, or denying them all together.
I had been struggling to articulate what I’ve been feeling lately but I think I figured it out today. As you know we are in the midst of the Corona virus pandemic. We have been practicing social distancing and living in a version of quarantine for months now. Much longer than I think any of us expected.The number of new cases and Philadelphia had been decreasing. However, that changed over the last week.
The news of the number of new cases increasing, the realizeation that I’m most likely not going to ever be able to celebrate my 40th birthday, and the upcoming 4th of July holiday that I will likely spend alone really has me feeling some type of way.But what type of way exactly took me a minute to figure out.
Anxious, yes.
Depressed, a little.
Disappointed, definitely.
Jealous , at times.
Sad, definitely.
Impatient, often.
Lonely, very.
Scared, Yup.
Of course there are some positive m emotions mix in as well. Gratitute to still have employment. Thankful for the ability to work from home where I am safe. Happy to be quarantining in my new house. Appreciatetive of friends who want to do a weekly zoom with me so that I have adults that I like to speak to.
Honestly though, it’s been rough. Though there are some positive emotions mixed in they are dwarfed by the negative emotions most of the time. I find myself staying up later than I should because I’m not ready to go to bed and face another day in isolation. Or I wind up eating when I’m not really hungry because I need to experience some pleasure. DaRona is DaWorst.
In my efforts to feel my feelings and articulate them I’ve decided the the word that best describes how I’m feeling is trapped.
Being honest with yourself about your feelings and the realities is an important part of chasing joy. Denial does not lead to happiness. Being honest about your feelings and circumstances allows you to be proactive about things like faith, self-care, setting and working on goals, and leaning into a positive relationships. That’s what’s keeping me going even now when I’m feeling trapped.
How are yall feeling? Really, honestly, how are yall feeling?
