In the last couple of weeks I have been on a couple of nice dates. I know, that’s almost shocking coming from me considering some of the dates I’ve been on with CAJTs. So far so good.
These dates have actually been right on time as a couple weeks ago I went to a workshop with Damaris and Yaritza of S.H.A.R.E (speakers at the upcoming Chasing Joy Brunch & Learn) on dating. Specifically the workshop was on Spotting Red Flags while dating. These Red Flags are things to look for when you first start dating and should be seen as stop signs indicating that maybe you should not go further with the relationship.
This was a great workshop for me for a few reasons, not including the timing. 1. It listed red flags you should look for in the person your dating when the relationship is new. 2. The ladies pointed out that these Red Flags are also things to look for in yourself to make sure you are not exhibiting behaviors that would turn off potential partners. 3. It went over the difference between things that are Red Flags vs. normal things that come up in relationships. I really appreciated that third point because in past relationships I have ignored Red Flags thinking no one is perfect and probably passed on guys exhibiting more normal issues mistaking them for Red Flags.
So for all of you Joy Chasers out there in the dating world with me, here are the Red Flags to keep an eye out for:
Red Flags
1. Cheating
2. Secretive behaviors like hiding their cell phone, keeping you apart from their friends, secretive about social media
3. Lying and omitting things.
4. Lack of trust. This is super important. Trust is part of the foundation of a healthy relationship.
5. Signs of anger issues. Examples are bad temper, road rage, screaming at you, throwing things and explosive responses. Take note of how they treat strangers and animals.
6. Selfishness, like not being there for you. Showing a lack of concern for your needs and feelings.
7. Possessive and controlling.
8. Not dependable. Signs of this include financial instability, losing jobs every 6 month, can’t pay bills, and lack of follow through. What a person says and what they do should match
I love the fact that the ladies went over common things that come up as issues in relationships. No person and therefore no relationship is perfect. Having some issues is normal. Below are normal issues that couples may face that can be worked through. These are Not Red Flags.
Normal issues
1. Communication issues are really common. They can be helped by addressing things that bother you right away, not bottling things up. That often leads to explosions. It is your job to make sure you are being understood, so don’t make assumptions.
2. Financial issues arise. Layoffs and debt are common.
3. Taking each other for granted and lack of appreciation. These breed resentment
4. Distribution of responsibilities in the home. Ex: housework
5. Parenting responsibilities. This also includes the responsibilities and expectations of step-parents.
These normal issues are things that can be worked through. However, they are also things that can cause a relationship to end down the line. Tips for dealing with these normal issues include
1. Stop having conversations through text. Flirting and quick messages are fine through text. Important conversations are not meant for texts.
2. Stay in the present address things the same day. Don’t let issues and hurt feelings linger.
3. Practice active listening. Repeat to the person what you heard them say and ask them to repeat what they heard you say.
What do you think of these Red Flags? Do we need to add any to the list?
So, The Mister and I are 34 years into our relationship. Yeah, it boggles my mind, too! One of the things I had to learn is that people are ALWAYS communicating with us–even if we don't like what they are communicating to us. It is important to "listen in between the lines" or in the silent spaces to what is really being said…not just what we want or hope is being said. Red flags will present themselves if we are open to listening in those spaces. The truth may hurt in the short run but the payoff is worth it when joy is at stake. AND, we always have a choice–we may not LIKE the options but WE do have control over the outcome. "I had no choice" is not one of the options when developing a lifelong relationship (Unless it is within the context of "I had no choice but to commit my life to our relationship…I was miserable without having him in my life." Then it is okay *grin*)
Thanks for your post.
I'm married, so I don't have any red flags to add, but I wanted to comment on the communication of couples.
I've found that sometimes it's hard to make sure we communicate about important things–like details about upcoming trips. In the mornings we're both rushed, and sometimes by the time we see each other in the evenings, my husband is too tired to be asked questions and plan.
We actually will either e-mail each other details and questions, or if it's something really important we need to talk about, I'll text him and he'll call me during the day.
Julie V.
It seems like you guys have found a communication system that works for you. 🙂
These are great tips – I wholeheartedly agree!!
Thanks Curvy Ceo.