I was checking out some of my fellow bloggers pages and decided to join in on the image prompt posted on The Red Dress Club’s blog. The prompt was to write about the first or second memory that comes to mind when viewing the image above.
The first memory that came to my mind was of me in elementary school. We were having a special guest. I don’t remember who the guest was but I remember their message. Do Not Smoke!!! I remember the talk of cancer (did not know what that was), coughing, and BLACK LUNGS. I remember feeling panicked and afraid because my mom smokes.
I can honestly say this feeling of panic and fear has never left me and probably won’t unless she quits. However as I have grown up some other feelings have developed, making things more complicated. Many people like to smoke. They enjoy it, receive pleasure and stress relief from it. They are well aware of the risks and still have no desire to quit. To a non-smoker this sounds a little crazy. But to them it is simply a choice to do something they enjoy.
The internal conflict arises for me in that I honestly want people to experience all the happiness and Joy life has to offer. Although this is not a politically correct thing to say, for some people Joy is lighting up after a meal, after a stressful day, or while out socializing at the bar with friends.
Daily I wrestle with this mix of emotions. Am I afraid for my mom’s health because she smokes? Yes. Do I want her to quit? Yes. Does it make me frustrated that she is choosing this risk? Yes. Does she know all this? Yes. But I also don’t want to be her Joy Thief. She is a grown up and can/should make her own decisions, even decisions that I may not like. Everyone else gets to decide what gives him or her Joy. Everyone gets to decide what risks they are willing to take on in exchange for that Joy.
So while I take no Joy in smoking or watching others especially friends and family smoke, I also take no Joy in trying to convince them to quite, feeling like a nag, and making them upset. So I remain conflicted. Balancing my desire for my mom to quite with my desire for her to be happy and live her life on her own terms. Sometimes (maybe often to her) hinting, suggesting, and offering motivations for her to quit and other times remaining silent and respecting her right to Chase Joy with a cigarette in her hand.
How do you deal with any conflicting feelings you may have regarding how the people you love choose to Chase Joy? If their drinking, smoking, eating, spending, or sexual habits bring them Joy but you stress how do you handle it?
My first memory that comes to mind is from 7th grade biology. They brought in a model of a clean lung and a smoker's lung. It really left an impression on me. One of my classmates fessed up that her mom smoked and how worried she was. No one in my immediate family smoked … until I met my husband. He was a casual smoker and I hated it. I told him many times how much I hated it. I even told him I wanted him around as long as possible. He eventually quit – I'm not sure what prompted him. Perhaps it was the cost, but I am so happy he did.
I guess all you can do is tell her how you feel, how much you love her, then sit back and hope for the best. Not great options, but like you said she's an adult.
I completely understand. I try not to be the joy killer, but I wish they could see that their actions effect others. If they die of cancer then they stole your joy.
I usually say — as lovingly as possible — how I feel, and then trust God for the other person. It's so hard to surrender control, but I find that it's best for the relationship. Thank you for sharing this story and question — I'm glad I found your blog on RedDress Club. Count me as a new follower. 🙂
I, too, admire your position of not convincing people to stop doing something they want and love to do, even when you think they're making a mistake. Tell them what you think, and then, no matter how hard it is to do so, let it go and allow them to make their own decisions. I have a couple of friends who cheat on their husbands. Do I think this is wrong? Hell, yes! Do I tell them that I don't approve of what they're doing? Absolutely. Do I let them make their own decisions, and not nag them about the stupidity and wrongness of their situations? Yes, I back off. People have to be left alone and allowed to learn from their own mistakes.
We can only make the choices for ourselves. I admire your outlook on allowing people to choose what makes them happy. There are WAY too many people out to stop whatever others do that offends them. I can say this even as my 2 sisters still smoke, my brother has quit, but my Mom died from COPD with comeplications brought on by smoking, and my Dad died of throat cancer. Both within 3 years. Did I nag them to stop. Yep. And they died anyway. Why cause people more grief. There is enough information out here to make the choices ourselves. And then you do what Myinnerchick does….just love them.
Stopping by from LBS
Hi, I'm visiting from Lady Bloggers. I understand your conflicted feelings. Great post. Have a good weekend!
Debra
I too have had issues with conflicting desires, especially when it comes to people. But after experiencing people hurting themselves and me (my x husband was a drug addict) I changed my mind. I tend to be the one that will say something if it becomes a problem. If your mother was having health issues would you say something? I think at that point it's no longer a way to unwind but a hindrance. Great post btw, stopping by from Lady Bloggers.
~~How do I handle it?
I tell them what I think…and then I just love them. Love them. Love them.
Popping in from Lady Blogger. Great topic!