Normally my blog posts are about things that I am doing, want to do, or have done to have more joy. Today’s blog post is different. Instead, I am going to tell you about something I’m not going to do. I am not planning my co-worker’s wedding shower.
Here is a little background info. I have a day job where I work in an office environment. It is normal to celebrate people’s life events (weddings, baby showers, and retirements) by having a lunch, often in, but sometimes out of the office. A collection is taken to cover the lunch plus a gift for the person of honor. All of this is voluntary.
I have planned one of these lunches (a baby shower) before and it is a lot of work. I did have people helping me but It was still a lot. It involved some time away from my desk and normal duties for decorating and coordinating with other co-workers. It also involved some of my personal time going to the store to buy the decorations. I planned that lunch because at the time we were between supervisors and I was basically the highest ranking person on my team at the time. I felt it was my responsibility for the sake of the team’s morale to plan the lunch. I also recently planned our holiday lunch for this same, for the sake of the team’s morale, reason.
I am done. I will not be planning my co-workers wedding shower. I know she is getting married in the next few weeks but so does everyone else on my team. Yet no one else has stepped up. We have a supervisor now so this should not be my responsibility.
I have been reading the book The Fringe Hours. I mentioned it a couple weeks ago. In one part of the book it talks about how women take on roles and responsibilities that they don’t have to because they feel they should be able to do it all. In the space for adding personal notes in the book I wrote that one of the roles that I take on unnecessarily at work is the role of peacemaker, cheerleader, and morale booster for my team. I have taken on responsibilities that have not been assigned because I want the people on my team to feel good and supported at work. Planning these lunches and ordering supplies are two examples.
Recently I read an article about sexism and racism in the workplace and things employers can do to minimize these biases. One of the things it mentioned was how women are often tasked (or take on) activities that benefit the organization as a whole, things that boost morale or provide administrative support, but don’t help them advance in their careers. They take time away from their key tasks and the things they will be evaluated on to perform these other tasks. The recommendation to the companies was to make sure that these types of duties are rotated among all employees, males and females. I saw myself as I read the paragraph. If I were a man would I even be thinking about planning a party when I have work to do???
So, I have given you and myself two very valid reasons why I will not be planning my co-worker’s luncheon but the main and most important reason is I simply don’t want to do it. It is not part of my job. It is a voluntary activity and I do not have to do it. It has been a long time goal of mine to stop doing things I don’t want to do. Life is short and I want mine to be filled with joy not filled with activities that I don’t want to do, that do not add value to my life.
Unfortunately even as I write this I feel guilty about not planning the wedding shower. I worry that my co-worker will feel slighted if no one else steps up to the plate. I wonder what negative things people will say about our team if we don’t plan something for her. But I am sticking to my guns. I have a pretty significant role at my day job. They pay me pretty well to perform my key tasks not to plan parties. I wold be taking time away from activities that could help me shine professionally to hang up streamers and set up food. Most importantly it would not give me any joy but would feel like a burden that I would resent.
I will not be planning my co-worker’s wedding shower. What roles have you taken on that you need to let go of? What tasks do you perform in your job out of a self-imposed obligation that do not serve to advance your career? What won’t you be doing in the name of Chasing Joy.
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It is true that sometimes we feel obligated to help out or do things for others but I totally agree with you that if you don't want to do it, don't. We have to learn to say "NO" and be good about it..
It is true that sometimes we feel obligated to help out or do things for others but I totally agree with you that if you don't want to do it, don't. We have to learn to say "NO" and be good about it..
I think it's important to stick to your guns. I can understand feeling guilty because I probably would be the same way, but there is no reason why you should be doing something that is not mandatory, that you don't want to do.
I can totally relate. I'm proud of you for sticking to your guns; it's inspiring! Thanks for sharing.
I am always the person that people come to for planning and things like that. It is so stressful and time consuming. I need to learn to say no. I really learned a lot from this post!
I NEED to read that book. I'm the go-to for all sorts of stuff, even not work related. Will you paint a clown for my party is a current request. I just don't have time for my own stuff, let alone decorating.
I would feel a little guilty about it too. But hey, it's voluntary and someone else will take the reins
This phenomenon is present in any sort of volunteering situtation I've found. Once you volunteer and do a good job at it, people just expect you will continue to and they don't step up. To keep it simple maybe a group collection could be taken up and given to the bride-to-be as a wedding gift. Or maybe you all could go out to lunch? You shouldn't feel responsible to do it all but also maybe all of you could take a small part which make a lovely end result without more than you can handle be imposed upon you.
Well if it isn't going to make you feel joy or anything then I agree don't do it. But you never know what people are watching to say it wouldn't help you shine. Sometimes people look for more than just tasks being done. But you have to do what feels good to you so then stick to your guns.
I can totally relate. We have an office manager at work who mainly plans the events, but we all pitch in as a team. I'm glad you are sticking to your guns because it is a lot of work. Hopefully, someone else will step up to the plate.
I agree with you. We take on to much when we do not have to. I do not think you should have to take on the extra stuff at work. I will have to check out The Fringe Hours.
Stick to your guns! I think you're doing the RIGHT thing by not doing something you don't want to do. Many of us can relate to struggling with saying no to others because we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm a firm believer that we have to do what feels good to us. Thanks for sharing!
Siobhan
http://www.befreeproject.com
OH wow. I don't plan anything as I am a horrible planner, but I get it. Glad you are sharing experiences on this because I would have been like YES and then lived n learned a bit 😉
I totally understand where you are coming from. I work in a corporate office and I am also one of the go to person when it's time to plan something. I now really don't have the extra time to plan and decorate because of my workload. So it is easy for me to say no. But you listed some other great reason why I should avoid it in the future
Good for you! You can't be everything to everyone, at that also applies at work. Like you, there have been times at work when I did things that I didn't really want to do to help boost morale, but nothing as strenuous as planning a shower. You're right – life is too short to waste time doing things that you sincerely don't want to do.
It is important to do the things that you think you can handle. I don't see anything wrong with what you are doing!
I tend to be the one that does these things for other people. It brings me joy to see them happy though.
My boss is the one who always feels like she needs to do these things, so as her assistant I get pulled in! But if it's not during business hours, while I'm on the clock, it won't happen.
I think you're doing this for the right reasons. That's a lot of responsibility to fall to one person every single time.
I was always the person who planned stuff at my old job and it got to the point where they just expected it from me. They were up in for a huge wake up call when I left.
Someone else should plan the party. I also work in a office during the day. We have a party committee that handles birthdays and other celebrations.
I try to stay away from any sort of party planning if at all possible. NO ONE ever helps, and I end up doing it all myself.
Good read, I've always been the "party person" in my division. I'm currently tasked to come up with "Moral Boosting" activities for the team. Trust me I know it is a lot of work.
Stick to your guns. I honestly find these events within the workplace to be dreadful (introvert problems) and cumbersome. I used to feel the same way as you, and my thought process was always "well this may be the only time they get celebrated" ugh. The hero syndrome! No shade, but no more. Stick to your guns!
I used to arrange our lunch holiday party. My least favorite part was cleaning up afterwards. No one ever helps. When we got an HR Manager the party planning moved to her area. Though we did notice she doesn't clean up either – one of the staff employees who hates the mess cleans up.
I am always the go-to person and I've made it my goal to not get myself in this unwanted situations this year. Sure, I will feel guilty at first but my stress level will thank me later.
Jay of http://www.relaxedthairapy.com
I am lazy as heck! I don't even wrap gifts 🙂 so for sure l would not do anything like that. Good for you. I don't think you should feel guilty at all!
LOL Kemkem gift bags all around then???