A few weeks ago I was talking with a girlfriend. I don’t remember what we were originally talking about. Somehow the conversation turned to the difference between self-care and selfishness. My friend mentioned feeling guilty for doing some basic things because she could be doing something for her parents instead. My view was that we have to do certain things to take care of ourselves first so that we can better take care of and help others. I shared this analogy that I’d heard (I’m sure many of you have heard also). Self-care is like the instructions for when there is an emergency on an airplane. The instruction is to place the oxygen mask on yourself first and then help others. If you don’t place the mask on yourself first, you may pass out and be unable to help those depending on you. It is the same with self-care. If you don’t take care of yourself, eventually you may find yourself, sick, burnt out, or in some other way, unable to care for those who are depending on you.
I think we all know logically that self-care is important, necessary, and not selfish. Yet so many of us have a hard time with it in reality. Many people in my age range are juggling multiple sets of responsibilities. We have jobs, side hustles (things like blogging, couponing, growing businesses), spouses, children, and parents. All of these people and responsibilities require our time and finances. This can lead to feelings of guilt, like my friend mentioned, when we spend time and money on ourselves.
So, how can we tell when it is OK to spend our time and money on ourselves instead of our responsibilities and loved ones? When is it self-care and when is it selfish? I don’t know if there is a one size fits all answer as all of our situations are different. I do think two basic questions can help us tell the difference.
- Will spending the time or money in question make you healthier, happier, or less stressed?
- Will my job, side hustle, spouse, children, or parents be negatively impacted 30days from now?
If the answer to question 1 is yes and question 2 is no then I’d say that qualifies as self-care. Maybe someone will be disappointed today or something at work won’t get done immediately, but if it won’t matter 30 days from now and it will make you happier, healthier, or less stressed than go for it.
Now if the answers to both questions 1 and 2 are yes, than proceed with caution. As your responsibilities and or loved ones will be negatively impacted you could be venturing into selfish territory.
Because the nerdy girl in me likes charts and graphs I made a quick reference chart (for your pinning pleasure 🙂 You will notice, I did not include a No option for if it makes you healthier, happier or less stressed. If it won’t do those things, than it’s really not worth considering.
I hope these two questions will help you evaluate some of the things you may be wanting to do but have been putting off because of all of the things you have going on. You may be surprised. Maybe that pedicure, night out with the girls, or planned day off from work aren’t selfish after all.
Do you have a hard time allowing yourself to spend time or money on self-care? How do you determine what is self-care and what is selfish? Do you like my chart? 🙂
I'm very bad about about self-sacrificing for the sake of others. I need to start doing some self-care.
I always go without too. But my dh keeps buying more. So I went out this weekend and bought myself 5 shirts, 2 bras and 2 pairs of shoes. I feel less resentful now! haha
What a great post! For me, I always go without so that my family can have. I do need to spoil myself sometimes I guess.
I have a hard time dedicating time or money to myself as well, even if it is for selfcare, I always end up spending it on my kids, family, or friends… someone else!
I always go out thinking I'm going to spending money on myself but end up with things for my daughters. I really need to stop that.
This really got me thinking. I should not feel so bad those couple of times I get a pedi or go out with friends.
I won't ever think of the oxygen mask speech the same way.
I spend money on me with no guilt. Ok, maybe a little guilt. So then I'll get something for my son xD
I think it's so hard to spend time or money on yourself sometimes. I run my own business and therefore don't make a ton of money nor have a ton of time that I'm NOT working, so taking time or money to spend on myself is often a struggle.
I struggled with this when I was younger but realized that when I did take a little time to myself, I became a better parent, wife, and person. Now I make sure to take time for myself to refocus and recharge and everyone is happier because of it.
I think moms need to make ourselves higher on our own priority list. When I slip to the bottom I become a worse mom, wife and student.
I think when I became a mother, it became much more difficult to spend money on myself without guilt because I think about all the things I could buy for my kids instead.
As a mother with a small income I hardly ever buy myself ANYTHING! I don't member the last time I have a mani/pedi. haircut/ new clothes lol
It is a good thing to take care of yourself first. You have to be well to take care of others.
I am total believer take care of yourself first – before you can take care of anyone else.
My friend is a therapist and advocates self-care. It is so important to take a moment for yourself.
I also had a hard time realizing I wasn't being selfish, I was just taking care of myself. These are the lessons we learn as we grow. Great post.
It took me a long time to realize that taking care of myself wasn't selfish. That I needed to keep myself in good shape mentally and physically if I wanted to be able to take care of my family.
Self care is so very important. If we don't take care of our wants and needs too we can begin to resent our family and that is not a good thing. We have to remember to take care of ourselves just as much as others.
You're so right! I always hate spending money on me, I think it should go toward my kids. I need to do something for me that will make me feel better – I need a haircut!
Those questions are good for helping one to self-evaluate. Very nice and succinct way to keep ones ownself in check. 🙂
I have hard time spending both time and money on self care. So many things I would really like to do though.
It's important to take care of yourself in order for you to be able to take care of others, but excess is not a good thing. Selfishness is very unattractive.
I personally despise selfishness, it disgusts me. I don't often spend money on myself that isn't self-care. I have priorities that come before that, like my children and my bills.
What an interesting table to consider! I think it's extremely important to make oneself happy. If we're not happy ourselves, it's very challenging to make others happy.
When you have a husband and kids to care for (and maybe even parents) it is so hard to take any time or money and spend it on yourself. I just think most women who are mothers are wired that way. I KNOW it's important to take time for myself..it's just finding the time and or letting go of the money to do so.
-Janel C.
What a great post. It is so important to have good self-care but also important not to mask selfishness.
I used to have a hard time spending money and time on myself but I have realized that I need to take care of ME in order to be good for everyone else. So yes, I take time to take care of me!
Since I've become a mom, I think it's so easy to put everyone else's needs before my own. I feel the guilt coming on when I take the time for myself though — but I know self-care is important!
It is hard to do those little things for yourself sometimes. When I do make time it is soooo worth it.
Always put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others. SImple when you think of it like that!
That's a good way of doing a check on whether a decision is selfish or just self-care. It's sort of like a checks and balances chart. 🙂
These are good points, I try to take time for myself so I can better serve my family and others.
I love to indulge in myself- I deserve it! Nothing wrong with treating yourself sometimes.
As a parent, it's sooo hard to put your self care first. Like haircuts? once every year is enough, right?
that chart is awesome. i think most of us moms need to take a long look at it regularly!
Lately I do spend more money on my daughter. But…I do enjoy buying myself little things too!
I'm a #1. I do however find myself spending more $ on my kids and others vs myself. … unless we are at Bath and Body.. then I'm selfish 😉
I have no issue spending money on myself at all. I pay for 3 gym memberships, my hair, nails, clothes and whatever else I need. There is no reason I have to sacrifice, too.