Today I was emailing with a friend and she mentioned wanting her daughter to grow up comfortable in her own skin. Of course I want that for her daughter, all my friends’ daughters, and my nieces and nephews. But the truth is I want it for me too. So much of this journey, Chasing Joy, is about learning to be happy with me and comfortable in the skin I’m in.
So when exactly did I stop feeling comfortable in my own skin? When did my birthday suit start feeling all itchy and uncomfortable??? I guess there was no single incident that caused me to lose that natural confidence that all kids are born with and start doubting and second guessing myself. More like random incidents that made me feel somehow embarrassed or inadequate.
Was it the time the DJ at my cousin’s sweet 16 party made fun of my weight in front of about 100 teenagers? I was 15. Was it when I was about 8, visiting my aunt and she quickly informed me that it was not my place to ask her who was on her phone? I was hoping it was my dad calling to say he was on the way to get me. Or was it the first time that the Dr. told my mom that I should be put on a diet when I was 12? I suspect that each of these incidents as well as other’s played a part in making me feel a little less comfortable with me.
But I suppose the incident that stands out the most occurred on a road trip. I was very young, I’m thinking pre-kindergarten. I was traveling with my Aunt (different one than mentioned above) and cousins. I don’t exactly remember where we were going. It was dark and we were all in one car. I was in the middle in the back because I was the little one. The radio was on and whatever was playing was so boring to me. So, I naturally asked if the station could be changed. My Aunt’s response was to ask me “how do you know I was not listening to that?” I don’t remember how I responded. I don’t remember what else she said. I do remember that the station was not turned and I felt ashamed. This was the first time that I remember feeling that it was not good to speak up. This was the first time that I remember feeling embarrassed. This was the first time I remember feeling that asking for what you want is selfish and inconsiderate. This is the first time that I remember feeling that it is better to be easy going and go with the flow than to speak up about what I want.
Now, I know that My Aunt and none of the adults mentioned here (except for the DJ he was just an ass) meant me any harm. I know they were all trying to help me to be healthy and have good manners. However, sometimes the lesson is lost when the delivery is harsh. I do not have any kids yet but I am blessed to be Auntie to four awesome kids. I never want to cause them to doubt that their feelings matter, feel insecure, ashamed, or otherwise uncomfortable in their own skin. I am careful with the words I choose when I feel the need to correct undesirable behavior not wanting the lesson to get loss in words spoken too harshly. They are confident girls and boys and I hope they stay that way. I want them to Chase Joy comfortably in the skin they are in.
As I list the things I want to do in pursuing my happiness, build confidence as I cross items of the list, find my voice by blogging with you, and otherwise Chase Joy I am becoming more and more comfortable in the skin I am in.
Are you comfortable in the skin you are in?
What kinds of things do you do to keep your kids or other young people in your life comfortable in the skin they are in?
This post will we linked up with Mamakat’s writer’s workshop 🙂
This made me think about things that shaped who I am and my self esteem when I was a kid. I think I was really blessed to have a Mom that only told me positive things about who I was. I distinctly remember when I was about 5 years old, some of the kids kept asking me if I had been in a fire and would point and stare at the large pink birthmark covering the side of my left leg. My mom told me that I could have it removed if I wanted. She brought it up in a delicate way, and she never made me feel like it was something unwanted. I remember seriously considering it, but I concluded "Why would I do that when it's been here my whole life and is a part of who I am?" I'm now in my 30's and modeling…I've definitely had moments where I've felt less than sufficient in such a superficial world. BUT …I try to remember the important lessons I learned about myself when I was just a kid 🙂
The sad thing is when you don’t feel comfortable in your own skin you spend all your time obsessing about your flaws rather than seeking out new challenges and experiences. I speak from experience. I spent my twenties at the mall buying the latest beauty treatment and clothing trends in attempt to feel acceptable rather than figuring out who I am.
I don’t have children myself, but last week at the grocery store checkout line I told an eleven year-old girl the model she was viewing on a magazine cover didn’t really look like that. Her mom heard me and chimed in telling her daughter how pretty she was. It was a great teaching moment.
Stopping in from LBS.
I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin. Of course, I'd like to be thinner, firmer, fill in the blank here, but I'm learner as I get older that's I'm okay just like I am. You'll get there, you're mostly there already! Thanks for stopping by my blog and the birthday wishes.
I don't think I've EVER been comfortable in my own skin. As I get older, I care less and less what other people think of me, but I always have that voice in the back of my head.
Amy @ A Little Nosh
Kimberly, Mama Track and Paula thank you all for stopping by and commenting. I'm sure you are all great mamas. The fact that you are conscious of your kids self-esteme and confidence is a blessing for theme. Thank you for Chasing Joy with me! ~ Chasing Joy
BAM you are definately not alone. I often feel that I don't fit in either. I'm actually starting to think no one fits in and we are all sort of faking it. But in a good way 🙂 I also would rather be me than anyone else and I am glad that you are you. Thanks for Chasing Joy with me! ~ Chasing Joy
Well, wow, I wish I had time to write a whole post to respond to this! I love my nieces and nephews and I have been amazed at how harshly I speak to my own children when I would NEVER speak that way to my nieces/nephews. Harshness can cut so deep (sarcasm too) unintentionally. Thank you for sharing this.
As a mom, this is something I really struggle with. I want to help teach my son how to act, but I want him to be happy–to chase joy–and self-confident. I try so hard to be cautious with his precious little soul. And mostly, I think I do a good job. But I certainly have moments of "mom fails," and they break my heart.
Awesome post — finding peace with who you are is a tough thing. And is made even tougher by moments like you described.
One of my goals as a parent is to make my children feel good about who they are (not who I want them to be).
Stopped by from Mama Kat's 🙂
I have to say that most of the time I do feel comfortable being myself, i am not afraid to speak up 99% of the time and I didn't have many family incidents growing up which made me want to keep my mouth shut.
For me personally, it isn't that i don't feel comfortable in my skin, it is more that i don't feel comfortable all the time with others – I'd prefer to be alone. I'd prefer to be reading. I'd prefer to just be quiet.
i feel like sometimes there is conversation going on around me and i am off floating somewhere else. I feel like other girls gossip and I don't even want to participate. I feel like I don't fit in.
But I am actually OK with it. and I'll take BEING ME any day over being ANYONE ELSE 🙂
Thanks for the post. it made me feel not so alone! ~bam~