I should be having a baby this week. I found out I was pregnant in early December 2015, just in time for my mom’s birthday. We had a couple of really great super happy days watching the pink line on the test get darker and darker and getting positive results from the doctor. Unfortunately further blood tests revealed that things were not progressing and I lost the pregnancy on Christmas Eve. Everything happened so fast that I never even got an official due date from the doctor. Online tools tell me that my baby would have been due August 18th.
I should be having a baby this week and it is kind of sad that I am not. But, I am ok. I am ok because God has blessed me with resilience. I have been through a lot just like most of us have. My miscarriage is only one of those sucky things that falls into “been through a lot” category. When it happened I had to make a choice of how I would go forward. A miscarriage is dramatic and horrible and awful, and every other negative adjective you can think of. But I had to decide how I would overcome all of those adjectives. I had to decide to Chase Joy. It helped that I knew of several women in my family (including my own mom) and some friends who had also experienced miscarriages. It helped me to know that miscarriages are actually really really common. I looked at these women, knowing first hand the pain and difficulty they experienced, and I saw them laughing, enjoying, and living life and I knew I could do it too.
I should be having a baby this week but instead I am going to work, and the gym, and going about my normal routines. I could push it out of my mind and act as though it never happened but that does not feel right. My miscarriage was super early and I may not view it like other women. I don’t really feel like my baby died. I feel like their was an egg that was fertilized. However because the embryo never got to the stage of a heartbeat I feel like God never put the spark of life into it. Not that my way of thinking makes it any less painful or this week any less monumental.
I should be having a baby this week so I wanted to do something to honor the fact that I was pregnant and for a short time I experienced a type of Joy that I had never known. I started to buy a piece of jewelery with the August birthstone, Peridot. But I did not find anything that I liked. So instead of spending money on something pretty for me to look at I decided to spend my money where it could help other families and babies. I decided to make a donation to the March of Dimes in honor of the baby that should have been born this week. The mission of the March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality.
I should be having a baby this week and I miss the baby. I wonder what it would have looked liked, if it would have been a boy or girl, etc.. But I am also thankful that I got to share being pregnant with my mom even if it was only for a couple of weeks. We both got to be excited and tell a couple of people who were close to us. I am thankful that I got to give her a card that addressed her as Mom-mom. Neither of us knew that her time was short and the baby that should have been born this week allowed us to share a really special time. I am sad but I am also happy to have those memories with my mom. So I am giving back in honor and in thanks with my donation to the March of Dimes where my money will help more and more babies make it.
If you have had a miscarriage please know that you are not alone. If you are comfortable sharing I’d love to hear how you acknowledge or get through the time when your baby would have been born.