Search Results for: dad

Another Note on The Joy that Comes from a Healthy Support System

December 14, 2019 |

Lately my support system has been showing off. They have lent me thousands of dollars that I unexpectedly needed to buy my new home when the sale of my old house feel through. They helped me move. Some gave me work and parenting advice. Others joined me in celebrating accomplishments. Just today ome provided guidance on a personal issue and another treated me to dinner to calebrate my promotion.

My support system is awesome. But this is not luck. This healthy support system was built with intention over the last couple of years. Afet my parents died, and even moreso after becoming a mother, I realized I needed to build a strong tribe. I could no longer rely on my mom and dad to be my rocks.

Earlier today I wrote this about building a healthy support system. I hope it inspires you to start surrounding yourself with the people you need for support. You deserve a healthy support syatem.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B6BIhhUnxMp/?igshid=n41anzg6r7n0

Today Was A Good Day.

December 4, 2019 |

Today was a good day. I survived. As you know from yesterday’s post, today would have been my mom’s birthday. It’s always a tricky day. I never know exactly how I’m going to feel so I take the precautions that I mentioned in yesterday’s post.

My strategies were successful. Today was indeed a good day. But I can’t take all the credit. Having been through long seasons of disappointment and grief in my life, I have a little bit of a post-traumatic stress. What I mean is whenever I make plans for self-care or anything fun I have this fear in the back of my mind that something is going to go wrong. A fear that I’m not going to be able to have whatever plesant experience I had planned.

My plans for today included a spa treatment. I joined one of those programs where you pay a certain amount each month and then get to make a an appointment for service. However, between purchasing a home, Baby Joy Chaser being sick, me being sick, and regular daily tasks I was never able to make my appointments. I had several months of spa packages banked.

Knowing I was not going to be at work today I scheduled a spa appointment. In the back of my mind I was worried that something was going to happen and causing me not to be able to go. But God is good and everything went really smoothly today. I was able to have my day off and my spa treatment. So while I can take credit for planning to be off work and scheduling the spa treatment I certainly can’t take credit for things having gone smoothly allowing me to actually go.

I really don’t like the fact that I have a hard time looking forward to executing plans. I hate that I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I need to come up with a strategy to manage this because this fear of something going wrong is a true Joy Thief.

Anyway, despite my fear of something going wrong everything went right. I got to come home and go back to bed after dropping Baby Joy Chaser off at daycare. I made it to my spa appointment on time. I treated myself to the candy that I like. Then I got some really good news in the evening.

I still missed my mom and my dad too really like I do everyday. I thought about my mom a little bit more than usual. This is the fourth birthday since she passed away and yes there was still some tears. Overall today was a good day and I am grateful.

10 Years…Ugh!

August 27, 2019 |

10 Years…. UGH 😥
RIP Dad
Bill Hartie = Best Dad Ever #AskAboutHim At times I’m amazed at how I’ve been able to survive and carry on. I guess God saw that the parenting mission was indeed accomplished.

This is my Social Media status for today. It’s been 10 years since my dad died. Unbelievable! It is still heartbreaking. But I don’t feel it every day all day anymore. I can’t say time has healed this wound but it has lessend the blow.

If you are struggling, deep in the midst of grief, hang in there. It will get better. Lean into your support syatem. Take advantage of therapy. Hold stron to your faith. Lastly give yourself permission to Chase Joy.

The Joy of Independence

July 4, 2019 |

Happy Independence Day Joy Chasers!

This little guy has given me my greatest independence. My dad (more than my mom) raised me to not need a man for anything. But rather the freedom to choose a partner that was right for me and to be able to walk away from a relationship that wasn’t.

But as I got older and had not found my Mr. Joy Chaser the realization that not having gotten married (yet) could rob me of one of my greatest dreams, Motherhood.

Dating became stressful instead of fun. Fear of this dream going unfulfilled stole joy from my birthday as the ticking of my biological clock got ever so loud.

Discovering the Single Mother By Choice community, fertility doctors, IVF, and having Baby Joy Chaser have given me my freedom back; my Independence to create the Joyful life I want and deserve including motherhood.

Happy 4th of July and Independence Day. May you find the Freedom you need to create the Joyful life you want and deserve.

Keeping Father’s Day Joyful in a Single Mother By Choice Household

June 16, 2019 |

Father's Day In A Single Mother By Choice Household — Here is a throwback of me and my dad in 1980

Happy Father’s Day to all of the Dad’s out there!!!

While mom and baby households are increasingly more common the Single Mother by Choice houshold is still a little mysterious to many. So, I figured I’d share what Father’s Day is like for us.

Before my dad passed away Father’s day was a big deal. There would be gift giving, usually experiences, tickets to sports games or shows. I loved it. After he passed away the day was very painful. For years I’d just pretend it was not happening. I would not even wish anyone happy father’s day.

But now I have Baby Joy Chaser. It is not all about me or my feelings. I want baby joy chaser to experience as much happiness as possible. That even includes doing my best to make sure he does not have negative experiences or feelings towards father’s day. I realize I am not really in control of his experiennces or feelings. But I can do my best to build positivity. So I have somwhat of a strategy. I discuss it in detail in the video below.

Here is my strategy for a joyful father’s day in a single mother by choice household:

How will you be spending Father’s Day?

Small Consistent Gesture of Love 💖

February 14, 2019 |

Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

Today a lot of you will be making or on the receiving end of grand gestures. That is wonderful! Enjoy them and bask in feeling special. However, I want you to remember that it is not the grand gestures that spark the most joy. It is the small consistent gesture of love that means the most.

Yesterday I was putting out the trash. I turned around to go back in the house and I had a memory of my mom standing in the doorway waiting for me. I live on a street where parking is difficult. I often have to park on another street and walk a block. My mom was a night owl. If I were coming home alone late at night and could not find parking I would text or call her to let her know I was walking from the car. She would go to the front door, triggering our spotlight like security light to come on and be on lookout for me walking towards home. Mind you she was doing this when I was 35 plus years old. It was not out of control or to be in my business. This small consistent gesture of love was out of her desire to protect me.

My dad was no different. He showered me and my family with so many small consistent gestures of love. The one that comes to mind now is how he made it a point to get to know me and my brother’s friends and significant others. If you were important to us you became important to him. He even went so far as to take one of my boyfriends to take his drivers using his car. (Side note: the petty person who Iives deep inside me whishes I could go back and tell my dad not to do this. Said boyfriend ended up being the worst and so not deserving of my dad’s kindness and generous spirit.)

Here is where the Single Girl gives relationship advice. I am single because my Mr. Joy Chaser will reveal himself by his small consistent gestures of love. I have had grand gestures before and enjoyed them. But ultimately what ended those relationships was the lack of small consistent gestures of love like honesty, availability, kindness, showing appreciation and offering help. I was blessed to have this exemplified in not only how my parents treated me but in how the treated each other.

My mom chose not to learn to drive for personal reasons (I don’t recommend this). My dad picked her up from work and Bingo regularly so she would not have to be out after dark alone or in the cold. He could have said it was her choice to not learn to drive but instead he showed love by his consistent willingness to care for and protect her.

My dad would brag that he did not know his clothing sizes. My mom purchased all of my dad’s clothes. Not because he couldn’t or did not care. He cared very much about his appearance. She did it as a way to take care of him. He did not have to budget for his wardrobe. He never had to worry about having a suit for an important work or church function. He did not have to worry about replacing worn out socks and under clothing. My mom was on it, consistently! I never even heard my dad say he needed a new belt or coat or anything.

Now I’m not saying women should purchase and dress their men or that men should act as chuffers. What I’m saying is within your relationship make sure you aren’t making grand gestures and failing when it comes to small consistent gestures of love. Also make sure you are not complaining about the lack of grand gestures or so focused on grand gestures that you don’t acknowledge the small consistent gesture your boo is making on a regular basis.

Most people don’t split because of the lack of grand gestures they split because they don’t feel valued, respected, seen, heard, and loved on a regular daily basis.

What small consistent grand gesture means the most to you??

5 Traits of A Good Man To Pass On To My Son

February 7, 2019 |

Today is my dad’s birthday. He would have been 79 years old. It’s crazy that he has been gone almost 10 years now. This year I became a mom and it makes me sad that my son will never know his One Pop period (that’s the name he wanted his grandchildren to call him, LOL) However, one of my greatest blessings is how much my son looks like my dad. It’s kind of like I get to see him everyday and my little boy.

The thing is I don’t want my son to just look like my dad. I want him to become the kind of man that my dad was. So, because I like making lists, here are five traits that I hope to pass on to my son to help them become a good man.

In no particular order here are 5 Traits of A Good Man To Pass On To My Son:

1. Sacrifice – Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for those you love. My dad never hesitated to step up and make a sacrifice for me, my mom, my brothers, my aunts and uncles, even cousins, and family friends. If you are among those he loved, and in need if he was in any way able to help you, he would do it.

This is a trait that I have somewhat inherited. If I were to compare myself to my dad I would definitely come up short. But I have definitely stepped up to the plate a time or two for those that I love. I’m thinking about a 17 hour drive from Florida with my cousin and the fact that my niece is currently living with me when I’ve gone on record many of times saying that I would never have a roommate again LOL.

2. Prioritization – As often as my dad went out of his way to help someone else I never ever ever doubted where I was positioned on his priority list. The needs of my dad’s wife and children came above everything.

3. Leave women smiling – My dad was a bit of a flirt. Not in that creepy old man kind of way. But I never saw him interact with a woman and not make her smile. He would find some way to make her laugh or give a compliment. There was no underlying expectation of her to respond in any certain way. It didn’t matter if they were an old woman or a little girl he would say something kind and complementary.

For example I had a friend named Cheryl. He rhymed her name with curls. Every single time he saw her he would say Cheryl with the beautiful curls. He did this our entire childhood. It always made her smile and feel pretty. But the kicker is her hair wasn’t even curly LOL. I think being able to make women smile without overstepping boundaries or making them uncomfortable is a wonderful trait that I hope I can impart on my son.

4. Treat all people with respect- Similar to how my dad could make women smile, in general he interacted with people in a pleasant way. He treated everyone with respect. My dad grew up poor in North Philly. But being a people person he knew people from all walks of life including former mayor of Philadelphia John Street. You would never be able to tell who he was talking to by the way he spoke to them. He treated everyone the same, with respect and value. It didn’t matter if he was talking to a person who happened to be addicted to drugs or to our former mayor he spoke and interacted the same way.

5. Faith – My dad was a man of faith. He was raised Seventh Day Adventist. He was not active in the church for many many years but was never far from God. He did get baptized around age 40. He was the spiritual head of our family. I went to church with him and learn Bible stories from him. An example of how strong his faith was was the fact that I do not have God Parents (people who would take care of me if my parents weren’t able).

One day I asked who my God Parents were. My dad explained that I didn’t have any. I felt a little cheated and asked why. He said because I prayed that I’d always be able to take care of you so you don’t need them. His faith was that strong. Because he had prayed he didn’t need to have a contingency plan in place for my care. My son has a godmother. So my faith isn’t quite where my dad’s was, LOL. But he taught me to trust and know that God always had a plan that was greater than ours. And that God would always be there to protect me. This is so important for me to pass on to my son. Which is part of the reason why he’s being Dedicated in a in a couple of weeks.

As a woman I know that there will be many aspects to manhood that I will not be able to teach my son first hand. But I will do my best to pass on these traits of a good man from my dads to my son as he grows into a great man.

Breaking Generational Curses that steal our Joy

December 4, 2018 |

Today is my mom’s birthday and I am thinking about generational curses. I know those two things don’t seem like they go together. Furthermore, generational curses definitely don’t sound joyful. But that’s what’s on my mind right now.

A few days ago I saw something on social media about praying for God’s help and breaking generational curses. I am very blessed to be part of a wonderful family. So, my initial thought was we don’t have any generational curses in our family.

However, yesterday I realized we do. With my mom’s birthday being today she has been heavily on my mind. I’ve dreamt of her the last two nights. In the first night’s dream my mom was actively encouraging and motivating me in my journey is a new mom. In the second dream my mom was protecting me from danger and making me feel safe. These dreams have reminded me of the kind of mom I want to be for Baby Joy Chaser. I want to always be there to encourage and motivate him. I always want to be a safe place where he can be fully himself and feel secure and protected.

I realized that in order to be that kind of mom, there is indeed a generational curse that I have to break. That curse is lack of grandparents.

I grew up without my grandparents. Technically my maternal grandmother passed away when I was 12 so I do have some memories of her. Like she taught me how to crochet. However I never got to experience having a grandparent as an adult. My dad’s parents both died before I was born. This isn’t something that weighted heavily on my day to day. But, I definitely felt sad at times and still do feel a bit envious of my friends who have grandparents who are well into their 80s and 90s.

Tomorrow is my mom’s birthday and she is no longer here to celebrate it. She passed away over 2 years ago, 7 years after my dad had passed away. So now I have Baby Joy Chaser who doesn’t have any grandparents.

Death is a major Joy Thief. I’m sad for my parents that they did not get to experience him. I’m sad for him that he can’t learn all the amazing things that they would have taught him. And I’m sad for me that I don’t get to witness any of it. Coming from home from the hospital as a new mom and not having my own mom here to help me was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever experienced. I grieved and cried for her as if she had just passed away. Talk about a Joy Thief during what was also one of the best times of my life!

I know Baby Joy Chaser will be okay just like I am. We are blessed to have my aunts, his Grand-Aunts, who will be very happy to show up for grandparents day at daycare and atvany other place where a grandparent would be present. But it’s sad that they have to.

So as I think about my mom on her birthday I’m realizing that this is a generational curse that needs to be broken. Now I obviously know I cannot control things such as life and death. Infertility, chemical pregnancies, and miscarriage taught me that. However the reality is poor lifestyle choices played major roles in my parents having passed away when they did. Another reality is I find myself making my own poor life choices when it comes to my diet and Fitness. Now is the time for me to make a change and do my part to end this generational curse.

I hope baby Joy chaser decides to become a parent one day. When that day comes I want to be here to see it. If I’m lucky enough to have a daughter, or daughter-in-law who will allow it, I want to be there during those first few weeks of my grandbaby’s life. I want to come to Grandparents Day and tell my grandchildren stories about the good old days.

So, I have to get it together. This won’t be easy. But the good news is I don’t have to make changes overnight. I’ve always enjoyed being strong and a consistent gym goer. But it’s quite challenging to get there consistently now that I have my little one. I also find myself struggling with my diet and making poor choices when I finally can sit down and eat a meal uninterrupted after he’s gone to sleep. I’m sure other moms, and not just single mothers by choice, can relate. But I have great motivation. Baby Joy Chaser is amazing and I want to be here for him as long as God will allow. So I am committing to doing what ever I can to break this generational curse and one day be an active and involved grandma.

Have any generational curses plagued your family? Are you ready to make a change for yourself and your offspring?

October the 1st, A Joyful Tradition

October 1, 2018 |

Today is October the 1^stand I am feeling sentimental. If you are a new friend, follower, or reader than you are wondering why. You see October the 1^st is a significant day in my family. Today is the day we play Christmas music and start preparing for Christmas. This tradition goes back two generations.

My dad’s family was poor. There were a lot of children, a little money, and a mom with a big heart. She, this mom, who was my grandmother, though she passed away before I was born, would start preparing for Christmas on October the 1^st.thereby giving herself 2 full months to prepare. Now, because Christmas is really not just a day but a season she would play Christmas music to get her kids excited and happy. This would continue on through Christmas.

Fast forward 30ish years and my dad continued this tradition with his kids, me and my brothers. I would wake up to Christmas music being blasted on a turntable. My favorite was the Temptations Christmas album. When I’d go downstairs my dad would say something like you hear that music? Then he’d proceed to say that means today is Christmas eve’s eve’s eve’s eve’s eve’s eve’s….. you get the idea. I would be so excited. Then my dad would very seriously warn me that this could be the year of the bad Christmas. I’m happy to report the year of the bad Christmas never came.

Fast forward another 30ish years and I am now playing Christmas music for my son, Baby Joy Chaser. Things have changed in that I will not be using a record player like my dad an grandmother did. I pull up my favorite Christmas songs on YouTube and watch them with him. Technology may change but our family tradition is going strong.

What kinds of family traditions do you have in your family? When do you start preparing for the holidays?

Two years later, my mom was right about how to handle her death.

April 6, 2018 |

Today marks two years since my mom passed away. The past two years have both flown by and gone amazingly slow if that makes sense. So much is the same yet so much is different. But the thing that stands out today is the fact that the advice my mom gave me on how to handle her passing was 100% on point. Two years later, my mom was right about how to handle her death.

If you didn’t know my mom passed away after a three-year battle with lung cancer. It was a hard 3 years for her as the patient and for me as her caregiver. However we truly made the best of it. I’m happy to have so many positive memories of our time together. We went to multiple ballets, Wicked, The Lion King, and most surprisingly, and at her request, Blue Man Group. My mom really was my best friend and after my dad died I’m pretty sure I was hers. So these two years without her have not been easy. But, I’ve tried really hard to do what she told me to do and she was right about how to handle her death.

At blue man group.

I can’t say that there’s any positive side hearing the words there’s nothing else we can do from a doctor, so I won’t even go there. However, one thing that resulted from my mom hearing those words was her writing me a letter. I’ve shared parts of this letter before right after she passed away so I won’t go into detail again. The part of the letter that has been the most helpful was when she told me how I should handle her death.

My mom was my number one supporter when it came to me having a child of my own. Even if that meant doing it without a husband or even a boyfriend. I know that’s not what she imagined for me but she was right on board giving me all the support and encouragement I needed. When multiple IUIs did it work and even after my missed miscarriage she kept me encouraged. She even started crocheting a baby blanket before I even conceived. In the letter that she wrote me after finding out that the cancer was over taking her she told me how happy she was that I was going to be a mom and how the fact that I would have new life to look after would help me to not grieve too long. She wanted me to look toward the future and not spend too much time thinking about the past. She was so right.

Now I still think about my mom and also my dad every single day. The ache of missing them is still very very painful. However I become more accustomed to the ache everyday. Now I live with it like a wonky knee. Sometimes the pain might Slow Me Down but most of the time I’m perfectly capable and carrying on with life without giving it thought. But in the nine months since I found out I was pregnant with my son the grief has gotten lighter in a way. I’ve been so focused on him, becoming a good mom, creating a happy life for us, that I don’t have as much time left to think about how much I miss my parents. I definitely have my moments though. If there was a price I could pay to have them here with me I’d pay it. Sometimes I do feel angry and cheated that I don’t have my mom to go to with my pregnancy questions but more often I just feel so blessed to be becoming a mom that there’s not much room left for any other feelings. So my mom was right about how to handle her death.

Now that doesn’t mean that everyone who loses a parent should run out and get pregnant. She was right about focusing on the future, sticking to my goals and dreams, and focusing on living as opposed to what is missing even if what was missing is her.

So, two years after my mom’s death I miss her terribly. I still shed tears regularly for her. But most days I’m really really happy as I wait for the arrival of my little boy who will be here in less than 22 days.

Losing a parent is one of the devastating experiences that most of us will have to face. If you have been through it like me, what advice would you give tooin others who will one day face this type of loss? Do you think my mom was right? Or do you have another perspective?